If I Drown Tonight, Bring Me Back To Life
by lcdrsuperseal
Summary: "When the paramedics brought your Commander in he was unconscious, whoever had him for the last few days beat him black and blue. We did several x-rays and scans - nothing's broken, just superficial cuts and bruises. But when we did a full physical examination we found signs of sexual assault." Eventual McDanno. Rated M for Rape/Non-con & suicidal feelings/attempt


Danny stormed through the front doors of Tripler, charging past various doctors and members of ranked staff as he approached the reception desk.

"Detective Williams!"

"Where is he? Where's Steve?" Danny asked the doctor who met him halfway and began to lead him down a corridor.

"We've put Commander McGarrett in one of our private rooms, away from any prying eyes. What, er… what have you heard already?" She asked.

"The doc who rang me said he couldn't tell me much on the phone, only that Steve's real bad and that I needed to get here ASAP, and… there's something you're not telling me." The doctor came to a halt outside one of the private rooms, the curtains and door shut. She wasn't meeting his gaze, and that made Danny suspicious. "Look, I'm his medical proxy, his next of kin and above all else, he's my best friend. Please just… tell me."

The doctor glanced at the closed door before looking back at Danny. "When the paramedics brought your Commander in he was unconscious, whoever had him for the last few days beat him black and blue. We did several x-rays and scans - nothing's broken, just superficial cuts and bruises. But when we did a full physical examination we found signs of sexual assault."

Danny's mouth suddenly went dry. "He was raped?"

"Yes, and I'm sorry, Detective Williams, but on further investigation we discovered that it was more than just the once."

All the colour drained from Danny's face as he heard what the doctor said. _More than once? Oh, Steve…_ "Oh, fuck…" He ran both hands through his hair. "Can I see him? I need to see him."

"Of course, one of the nurses is getting him dressed. We had to find some from our supply closet."

"Where are his clothes?" Danny asked.

"The passerby who found him unconscious said he was naked on the side of the road, and-"

Danny felt like he was going to pass out. "They found him where?"

"On the… the side of the road, leading out to Diamond Head."

"On the side of the road." Danny repeated, running a hand down his face. "Whoever took him did… _that_ to him and dumped him naked on the side of the road."

The doctor nervously nodded. "We ran an STD panel and gave him some intravenous fluids as he was very dehydrated. I should warn you, Commander McGarrett's not said a word since he woke up."

Danny thanked him and went into Steve's room, where the nurse had clearly failed in her attempt to get Steve dressed in a pair of hospital pyjamas.

"I'm sorry, Detective Williams, but he won't let me touch him."

"That's okay, I, uh… I didn't expect him to. Thanks anyway." Danny took the clothes from her. "I'll take it from here."

The nurse took her cue and left them alone for the first time. Danny looked at Steve, still wrapped in the blanket, sitting on the gurney and staring at the opposite wall. Carefully, Danny approached him. "Hey, babe."

After a couple of seconds Steve turned his head to look at him, and Danny didn't like the look in his eyes. They looked empty, and it made his heart ache.

"I brought you some clothes… can I help you get dressed? Then we can go home and have a shower."

Again, Steve's reaction was delayed, but he did nod his head. Steve was like a doll, letting Danny move and manipulate his arms and legs to get them into the t-shirt and sweatpants. Danny tried to ignore the numerous bruises on his tanned body, and had to bite his lip to keep from exploding when he saw the finger-shaped bruises around Steve's hips and ass. _How dare they touch him!_

Steve remained silent as Danny led him out of the hospital and towards the Camaro. Danny didn't miss the wince as Steve lowered himself into the passenger seat, and spent the drive home with one eye on the road and the other on Steve.

The silence was unnerving, and Danny didn't know how to break it.

* * *

Danny was worried when Steve made a beeline for the stairs as soon as they came through the front door as it was the fastest that he's seen him move all day. He followed him until Steve stopped in the doorway to his bathroom and gazed at the shower cubicle in front of him. Out of habit Danny reached out as if to touch Steve's arm but quickly drew his hand back as if it was on fire as he remembered something he learned from years of being a cop and dealing with rape victims. Steve had to be the one to initiate any form of contact; enough people had touched him.

"Do you wanna take a shower, buddy?" Danny asked. Steve nodded and followed Danny around with his eyes as he grabbed towels and some clean clothes. "Okay, you've got everything you need. Do you, uh…" Danny nervously rubbed the back of his head. "Do you want me to come in there and help?"

 _Yes! I can't do this without you, Danno. Please don't leave me…_ Steve tried to get his mouth to form the words his brain had screamed at him but he couldn't, his mouth and throat still sore from days of shouting and abuse. Instead all he could do was slowly reach out and brush his fingers against Danny's forearm.

"Is that a yes?" Danny breathed a sigh of relief when Steve nodded, and then helped him shed his clothes before removing his own. He'd seen most of the bruises at the hospital, and purposefully didn't let his gaze linger too long on the ones on his hips and ass. But he never noticed those little marks dotted all over his torso, front and back _._ And a strange bruise pattern on his neck.

Steve frowned at Danny as the smaller man made a choked-up sob sound. "You have _cigarette burns_ on you, babe." Danny gasped out.

Steve dropped his gaze to the floor as he felt shame wash over his body. _I couldn't do anything to stop them, Danny. Besides, I was closer than any ashtray, so why not…_

Danny shook his head and held his hand out to Steve. "Hey, it's gonna be okay, Steve. I know it sounds dumb right now, but it will be. I'm here for you, buddy." Steve glanced up at him. "Now how about that shower? You'll feel better."

Steve took Danny's outstretched hand, and the friendly contact sent a little shock to his system. _Of course you'll never hurt me, Danny, but how can it be okay?_ Steve thought as he let Danny lead him into the shower.

The hot water felt good on Steve's skin. He'd always loved the water, and if he had his own way he'd be in the ocean right now. Maybe later he could convince Danny to join him; he got the feeling that his best friend wasn't going to let him go on his own, lest he do something stupid.

Steve stood motionless under the stream and let Danny wash the dirt, grime and he shuddered to think what else off of his body, watching as it all swirled into one mess as it went down the drain. It wasn't just the water warming him up; Danny's gentle touches as he ran the washcloth over his chest and back before kneeling down to wash his legs and feet, it felt as if they were warming him from the inside out. He paid special attention to Steve's face, careful of his black eye and sore jaw.

Danny bit his lip as he moved the foamy washcloth down to Steve's crotch, going slowly incase Steve wanted out until all of a sudden he lowered his head to rest on Danny's shoulder. Danny took that as a cue to carry on, and carefully set about cleaning Steve's penis and scrotum. He felt a sudden wetness in the crook of his neck, and let Steve believe that he didn't notice his tears as the cloth moved back behind his balls to clean his most intimate area. Upon seeing a few specks of blood staining the cloth, and Steve's whimper as he brushed over an obviously raw spot, Danny gently ran a hand down Steve's arm that was hanging limply at his side. "Sshh, it's alright, babe. Want me to stop?"

Steve sniffed and nodded. Danny shut the water off and quickly threw the dirty washcloth in the corner of the bathroom before Steve saw it, helped him out of the cubicle and quickly wrapped him in his largest towel. Slinging one around his own hips, Danny dried Steve off as quickly as he could, patting the more sensitive areas dry before helping him into his pyjamas.

Still Steve remained silent, save for the occasional sniff, as Danny dried and dressed himself in some of Steve's clothes he'd borrowed. He sighed as he bent down to roll the longer legs of the sweat pants up, and when he stood up he noticed that Steve was smiling _ever so slightly_ \- you'd miss it unless you knew him as well as Danny did - at him. Danny beamed back at him.

 _Baby steps,_ he thought.

* * *

Time seemed to drag for Danny. Steve still hadn't said a word and was like a zombie; It was as if the man that he loved was gone and an empty shell that looked like Steve was wandering aimlessly around his home. Danny was no stranger to rape victims - he was a cop after all - but this was Steve. _His_ Steve. How could he even begin to help him, when Steve couldn't even speak to him?

He was hardly eating and drinking enough throughout the days. And Danny knew that Steve was barely getting enough sleep - whenever Danny woke up in the middle of the night and glanced at Steve, the man was in the same position that he saw him in last. Steve also wouldn't have his back to him, but Danny assumed that the men assaulted Steve from behind without warning. And it wasn't that he didn't trust Danny, because of course he did, but he was still reeling from what had happened to him. Danny was just glad that Steve trusted him enough to let him sleep in the same bed.

It was as if Steve was afraid to let his guard down enough to sleep, and Danny was waiting for him to crash. Which happened on the third day.

They were sitting on the couch watching TV. Well, at least Danny was sort of watching it. He was occasionally glancing at Steve, in the opposite corner of the couch and ignoring the daytime program playing on the screen. Danny wanted more than anything to reach across the gap between them and touch him. But since that shower when they come home Steve hasn't wanted any more contact, so Danny kept his distance.

"You hungry, babe?" Danny asked.

 _"You hungry? Feast on this…" Steve had no choice as one of the men - balaclava-clad like the others - stood over him where he was huddled in the corner of the cold room. The man then forced his jaw open and shoved his dick down Steve's throat. He was relentless, choking Steve and pulling his hair as he fucked his mouth. When he'd finished he pushed Steve away and left him alone, shaking in his corner._

What little colour Steve had left in his face drained and he gulped down a breath as if he'd just surfaced from the ocean.

Danny pursed his lips. "Alright, maybe later, eh? Hey, you finished your juice! I'll get you some more, buddy."

Steve glanced up and watched as Danny picked up the glass and headed off into the kitchen, before slowly pushing himself off of the couch and up the stairs. He trundled down the corridor until he came to his bathroom and shut the door behind him.

Steve made short work of peeing, before flushing the toilet. He froze as he went to wash his hands, spotting Danny's razor on the side of the basin.

 _"You'll be wishing you were dead by the time we're done with you!"_ Steve's face screwed up as one of his captor's voices echoed in his head.

 _He's right though, I did… I still do. Nobody would want me now, not after… Danny's here now but he'll soon realise that I'm no good for him. That I'm dirty, tainted. He wouldn't want someone like me around Grace anymore._

Steve took the handle off of the razor and slumped on the floor of the bathroom, legs out in front of him. He stared at the blade in his hand, before gritting his teeth and bringing the blade down on the outside of his wrist.

The pain on his arm took over, and started to block out the voices and images that flooded his mind. But it wasn't enough.

 _He was face down, ass up on a stained mattress in a cold and dingy room with concrete walls and floor. The first breach of his hole was agony as the tight ring of muscle screamed at the burn. But he screamed louder as the man pounded him into the mattress, sending waves of pain coursing through his body. He hid his face in the crook of his elbow to hide the tears that slipped out as he felt a sudden warmth as the man's seed gushed inside him. He thought that was the end of it as the man pulled out of him, but hadn't seen the others enter the room._

 _Steve screamed again as someone else invaded his body, but then he was silenced when his head was yanked up and a dick rammed down his throat._

 _"We're gonna own you."_

 _They were right._

He cut his skin again, in the middle of his arm this time, hanging his head in relief and letting the tears fall down his face as the image of the mattress slowly faded.

"Steve?" Hearing Danny's voice from downstairs jolted Steve back into reality. "You upstairs?"

He blinked once, twice, before glancing at the closed door. Steve could hear Danny climbing the stairs, his footsteps getting closer as he approached Steve's bedroom.

Steve looked down at his arm, the cuts dripping blood onto his sweat pants and the floor. He couldn't even see how deep they were. Part of him didn't even care.

"You in there, buddy?" Danny knocked on the door, after trying the handle and finding it locked. Steve choked back a sob and rubbed at his eyes with his free hand, the movement making the blood drip down his arm.

"Steve! Open the door, babe. Please!" Danny banged on the door.

 _Danny… I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to… Please help me!_

 _He won't help you, why would he? You're dirty and disgusting._ Steve cringed.

 _No, you're wrong._ Steve argued with the voice inside his head. _Danny's always been there for me!_

 _He didn't save you from those men taking turns on your mouth. He wasn't there to stop when they ra-_

"Shut up!" Steve didn't mean to shout out loud, but he just wanted the voice in his head to _stop._ He surprised himself by his outburst - his throat was still sore and his voice rusty.

"Steve! I'm sorry, but I'm coming in now!" Steve closed his eyes as he heard Danny fiddling with the lock. He couldn't bear to look as Danny burst through the door and dropped to his knees at the sight of Steve on the floor, covered in blood.

"Shit, Steve what did you do?!" Danny frantically grabbed the nearest towel and wrapped it around his bloody arm. Then he noticed the bloody razor blade in Steve's other hand and gasped. _"Steve!"_

Danny's grip on his arm tightened as Steve turned his head to stare at him. His eyes looked just as empty as they did when he brought him home, and his face crumpled when he saw how Danny was looking at him.

"Danno…" Steve croaked out. "I'm sorry."

It took every last inch of Danny's self-control to not take his friend into his arms. Instead he carefully took the blade from Steve's hand before discarding it in the sink. He grabbed the little first aid kit from the medicine cabinet before settling back on the floor next to Steve. "Hey now. You don't have to be sorry about anything! None of this was your fault, okay?"

"I couldn't… they just… and he said… and I did…" Steve muttered as Danny unwrapped his arm and set about cleaning and dressing the cuts properly, taking his trembling hands in his smaller ones when he'd finished cleaning the spots of blood from the floor. Steve sniffed and gazed at him. "Please stay. I can't-"

"I'm not going anywhere, babe." Danny squeezed his hands as he looked straight into his eyes.

Steve cried in relief and lurched lurched forward at Danny's words. Danny _finally_ pulled him into into his arms and onto his lap, tucking Steve's head into the crook of his neck. He was heavy but Danny didn't care as Steve's walls came tumbling down and he sobbed, fingers twisted in Danny's shirt.

"There were… five of them. Or six, I dunno-" Steve hiccuped.

Danny shushed him, gently squeezing his thigh. "Hey hey, we can go over that sort of thing later. We'll get whoever did this, babe. I promise you."

"I know you will, Danno." Steve said quietly. "Don't tell anyone that they… y'know. Please…"

"They don't need to know. I won't tell a soul, Steve… unless you want me to." Danny whispered. Steve firmly shook his head, his hair tickling Danny's chin. "That's okay, I won't."

"Thank you." Steve couldn't stop the yawn that escaped him and Danny smirked as he tried to hide it in his neck.

"Alright, buddy, wanna move this to your bed? This floor's hardly comfy." Danny shifted slightly, feeling his ass going numb from the tiled floor. Steve tightened his grip around Danny's waist and moaned, causing his human cushion to roll his eyes. "I'll come with you, babe, don't worry."

Steve agreed, and let Danny take him back to bed and get him settled. He clung to Danny as soon as he slid under the covers, his grip around his waist tight as he nuzzled his neck.

"Couldn't sleep." Steve mumbled.

"I know babe." Danny said. ""You weren't rolling around in bed like I've heard you do countless times before."

"Even from the couch?"

"Yeah." Danny laughed as a flicker of a smile graced Steve's face. He sighed as Danny lightly ran one hand up and down his back, while the other covered his own that was on the blonde man's chest. For the first time in what felt like forever Steve felt safe and warm, under the covers in his best friend's arms. He yawned again, and his eyes started to close when the voice piped up again.

 _He wasn't there for you, you dirty piece of shit._

Steve's eyes shot open and his breath hitched. Danny leant down to brush his cheek against the top of his head.

"Sleep, babe. Danno's got you."

 _See?_ Steve's eyelids fluttered shut again, a full smile on his face. _He's here now, and that's what matters._

* * *

Danny kept one arm around Steve as the man napped against his chest as he replied to Grace's text with his free hand. He wasn't keen on texting anyway, and trying to hold his phone up above his face and hit the screen with his thumb at the same time was frustrating, but his daughter wanted to know how her Uncle Steve was doing. He assured her that he was okay, and maybe he'd be up to seeing her soon. Danny told her that Steve needed to recover from his injuries, but kept his word about telling nobody about the rape. He wouldn't even _dream_ of having that sort of conversation with his baby girl, even when she was older.

Danny then briefly fired off similar texts to the rest of the team before setting his phone on the bedside table and looking down at Steve. He'd been asleep for a few hours, and while Danny was thankful that he'd been able to get some much needed rest it was only early evening. If he let Steve nap any longer then he'd probably be up all night, so Danny gently shook his shoulder.

"Steve? C'mon buddy, it's time to wake up." Steve slowly opened his eyes and blinked. For a split second he thought he was back in that room, but then he realised he was laying half on something warm and moving, before the events of earlier suddenly washed over him.

"Danno." He sighed in relief as Danny squeezed his shoulder.

"Hey babe. Feeling better after that nap?"

Steve nodded. "No bad dreams this time." Danny smiled, and passed on everyone's well wishes. Steve was only half listening. He couldn't stop wondering why Danny was still here cuddling him, _in his bed._ He'd wanted Danny in his bed for a long time, but not like this. Steve had imagined them lying exactly like this after a round of truly great sex, not comforting him after the worst thing in his life.

"What did you say?"

 _Oh shit._ Steve didn't even realise he'd said all that out loud. He daren't move, lest he scare Danny away. But Danny clearly had other ideas as he prized Steve off of him so that he could turn on his side to face him.

"Nothing, I-"

"Steve." Danny looked at him, lips pursed in a way that said _no bullshit,_ and Steve wanted to deny he ever said anything. Danny wouldn't want the same thing as him, not after… But as he stared at him, Steve realised something.

Danny was still here, wasn't here? And he was now looking at him with a strange expression. Steve was already at the lowest point of his life. He had nothing to lose if he told Danny his most precious secret.

"... I love you. You're my best friend, but for a while I've wanted… more." Danny let out a breath and Steve could feel his heartbeat speed up as he carried on talking. "I've never… never felt this way about another man, rushed handjobs on missions don't leave time for feelings. But-"

Steve screwed his eyes shut as he thought about what he was about to say. Danny reached down under the covers and gently squeezed his hand before tucking their joined hands under his chin. Steve lifted his eyelids and gasped at the gesture, before clearing his throat as he continued. "But after what they… what they did, I can't have you. I'm dirty. And it hurt _so much…"_

"Hey." Danny said past the lump in his throat, stopping Steve in his tracks. "Who said that you couldn't have me?" Danny let go of his hand to tip his chin up, and Steve felt like he couldn't breath as he looked into Danny's eyes.

"They said I couldn't have anyone now that I'm dirty. Inside and out."

"Not from where I'm looking." Danny ran his fingers across his stubbled jaw. "And you keep saying that word. It's not true, Steve."

Steve shook his head, his tears falling onto the pillow under his head. "I am. You wouldn't want me now."

"I always want you, Steve. What happened… It doesn't make me love you any less." Danny didn't care that he was crying now, too. "Hey… Did any of them kiss you?"

Steve shook his head and frowned at the strange question. Danny smiled, moving his hand to cup the back of his head as he leant forward and brushed his lips against Steve's. Danny didn't apply too much pressure, Steve's face was still a little sore, but he still felt Steve begin to kiss back before he pulled away a fraction.

"You... " Steve breathed. "You mean that?"

"Always." Danny said quietly. "I love you."

Steve sobbed in relief, linking their fingers together and squeezing tightly while Danny pressed a kiss to the top of his head and whispered soothing words.

"I'm scared, Danno." Steve whispered.

"Scared? Why?" Danny asked, his hand back to rubbing Steve's shoulders.

"Of what's going to happen. With us." At Danny's puzzled look he continued after rubbing his eyes. "We're gonna have… sex." He mumbled.

Danny let out a silent _'oh'_ as he looked at Steve's downcast face. "Do you, uh… want that? With us?"

Steve looked up and nodded, bottom lip between his teeth. "But it… it hurt _so much_ , Danny-" Danny wiped away a fresh tear with his thumb, his hand lingering over the fading bruise pattern on his neck.

"I'd _never_ hurt you like that. Or any kind."

"I know that. Deep down, I know, it's just…" Steve closed his eyes and grimaced, shaking his head. "I'm sorry, Danno." He choked out.

"Hey hey hey. It's okay, babe. These things take time. And we've got all the time in the world now, right?" Danny gave Steve a reassuring smile, which he cautiously returned. "Steve? What, uh…"

"They wrapped my belt around my neck a few times and yanked if I wasn't… good." Steve spat out and grimaced at the memories. Inside, Danny was raging and ready to explode. But he bottled it down as he showered Steve in kisses and soothing words.

"I promise you, baby, I'm gonna find those assholes and make them pay." Danny whispered. "But first we'll get you some help, someone for you to talk to if you want?"

Steve was confused. "Can't I talk to you?"

Danny shook his head. "Of course you can, you goof. I meant, like, a therapist. Or counsellor?"

"Oh." Steve's face screwed up as he thought about it. "Maybe… Right now I don't want to talk to anyone except you."

"Hey, c'mere." Danny pulled a willing Steve into his arms and pulled the covers up around him, their foreheads pressed together. "We'll get there, you and me. Time, remember?"

"If you don't wanna wait, if you wanna… find someone else, I get it." Steve said. Danny responding by pulling him into another kiss, before breaking off to drop little kisses over his face.

"Not happening." Danny said sharply. "I only want you, babe. And we're not gonna let them win. We'll show them."

Steve nodded, swallowing past the lump in his throat and smiling. Danny turned onto his back, bringing Steve with him to resume their previous cuddling positions and making sure that he was looking at him before continuing.

"And putting those… _things_ … in Halawa to rot is a good start."


End file.
